An overwhelming feeling of guilt is filing my heart. Right now, i am sitting at my new 14th floor office, on the first day of my new job, and all i can feel is a heavy dose of self-hate !!
Just last night, my wife asked me for a divorce !!
over our 2 and a half years of marriage , we had our share of fights, disagreements and breakup threats. We never, however, used the D-word (Divorce) in our fights. We would use words like separation, moving on, but the word Divorce was a subconscious No-No, by both of us !!
Which made her bold request last night that much significant !
I can't deny that I have thought about divorce several times over the course of my marriage. I even thought about it the day before she asked for it. but never felt as bad as when she mentioned those words to me. It felt like a cold knife being stabbed right into my heart. I don't know if I love her or not, it is hard to indentify how I feel toward her, but one thing is for sure, I am going to miss the hell out of her !!
I will not lie, I have cheated on my wife twice during our marriage. Both times were one time flings that meant nothing, but I cheated nevertheless !
our fights were frequent, and were not fair. We would call each other names, patronize each other, and there weren't a lot of respect going around. sometimes we fight over money, kids, and time we devote to each other. These seems to be the usual fights that couples have, then they move on and make up. The problem is that we never really do. There always remains some fire under the ashes, and the slightest spark would re-ignite the fight all over again !
Our parents and family are already sick with us. Saying that we need to be more mature and handle our problems better. "All couples go through this", so they say, "so don't make a big deal out of it" !!
I can't even pin-point what exactly is my problem with her. I think she is very attractive, so its not a physical or sexual issue. But her personality is just impossible -for me at least, to deal with. She gets mad and yells over the smallest of issues, always nags about money, no matter how much she gets, disrespectful to others, including me and my parents, lazy, and irresponsible.
The bottom line is that all of a sudden, I feel lonely, really really lonely. It has been less than 24 hours since she asked for the divorce, and we have agreed that I will keep custody of our child. I just can't help but feel sorry for her, for our son, and for myself.
Deep in my heart, I know it is over. I know that we are not getting back together this time. But a part of me is still hopeful. Hopeful for a second chance. I think this is driven by fear. fear of loneliness. Yes i admit that i am not even scared of being alone , I am terrified !!
